During our Halloween celebrations here at ComicsAlliance, we've talked about sexy costumes, dog costumes, heck, we even took a trip back to the past for a look at vintage costumes, but we haven't spent a lot of time talking about the costumes that kids today are wearing for Halloween. So are they really any better than those awful plastic smock costumes from 30 years ago? Well, if we're being honest, they'd almost have to be -- but that doesn't mean that they're exactly what you'd call good. That's why today, we've checked out the kids' section of our local Halloween costume shop to bring you a look at theBest, Worst and Weirdest Kids' Costumes for Halloween!
All right, look, I know I say this every year, but it's a safety guideline that always bears repeating: Parents, do not let your children wear this costume, especially if you live anywhere near a movie theater or a place called Park Row. Walking around after dark with a kid dressed like Batman is like holding a sign that says "Please Murder Me and Drive My Child To Seek Vengeance For The Rest of His Or Her Life." Now, you might think you're willing to take that hit so that the world can have its grim avenger of the night, but let's be honest here: You haven't even started a college fund, let alone put aside money for world traveling, ninja weapons, and dramatically broken window repair.
The same goes for the Spider-Man costume, but only if it's your nephew, and only if you're in the habit of handing out quotable life lessons. Best to just stick with Draculas 'til they're in their teens.
Reversible Spider-Man Costume:
Speaking of Spider-Man, I have to say that this costume is pretty much genius. Not only does it give you two costumes in one, it gives you twice as much candy! Seriously, just get to the end of the block, flip this bad boy around, and head back for a second round of Trick-or-Treating. Sure, it's not exactly a responsible way of using the power of having a sweet costume, but c'mon. Have you had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? They're delicious. Totally worth risking an uncle or two.
"Video Game Car":
Finally, a costume for kids who love Mario Kart, but don't want to bother with any of those identifiable, trademarked elements, and also want a chance to prove that the game would be way better if the game was called Mario 1998 Ford Focus. Admittedly, you have to provide your own jeans and Timberlands, but you've probably got those left over from last year's Ludacris costume, right?
Infant Queen Amidala:
Because if there's one thing kids love to pretend, it's that they're signing trade laws and calling for votes of no confidence against the chancellor of the senate.
Jango Fett and Boba Fett Costumes:
First of all, the fact that you can buy costumes of two of the helmeted space-jabronis of the Fett family but zero Lando Calrissians is a pretty good indicator of everything that's wrong with the Star Wars franchise. Second, the fact that a Jango Fett costume even exists at all is mystifying, mainly because it's just there for kids who can't get a Boba Fett costume.
So deal with it, little brothers of America: You have to be the lame-ass bounty hunter who got decapitated by Samuel L. Jackson. Meanwhile, your older brother gets to be the way cooler one, who was introduced in The Star Wars Christmas Special and died when he was hit with a stick and fell into what was basically the desert's butthole.
Incidentally, that vehement thesis you're typing up about how I'm wrong because of the Expanded Universe doesn't make these dudes suck any less.
Toddler Captain America:
I want you guys to do something for me. I want you to imagine the famous cover to Captain America #1, where Captain America's punching Hitler in the face. Now imagine that everything about that cover is the same, except that it's this kid, with that smile, just knocking the living hell out of Hitler. I'm not even kidding: It is the happiest thought I have ever had in my life.
This costume is fantastic, and not just because it comes with the coat, red makeup, and a set of filed-down devil horns. No, the action here is all in what the official description refers to as "the foam Hand of Doom." The Foam Hand of Doom will bring a gentle, safety-conscious ruin to everything it encounters, as foretold in the Prophecies of Nerf. You thought it was just coincidence that they've switched from footballs basketball hoops to just straight up making guns and swords? They saw it coming, man.
I'll be honest with you guys: I don't even think this Hulk Hogan costume and its amazing Hulk Hogan moustache should be an option for a Halloween costume. I think it should be mandatory, and we should set aside a new day where everyone in the entire world wears this thing in the spirit of whatcha-gonna-do-brotherhood. We will feast upon Pastamania, and good children who take their vitamins and say their prayers will be gifted with copies of No Holds Barred and Rocky III, while bad children will be spirited away by the Ultimate Warrior to Parts Unknown.
Seriously, who's in charge of national holidays? Is it the President? Because I'm going to make this happen.
As much as I like some of these other costumes, this one is my favorite. It is, after all, a costume for children that represents an actual demon from Hell, which makes it a little more appropriate for Halloween than, say, "Morio Cart," and it has the classic Disappointing Halloween touch of slapping the character's logo right there on the chest, just in case you forget why you're walkign around with a flaming skull and giant metal spikes on your wrist. Finally, no joke, kids are gonna love this one. You ask any 9 year-old in this country what they're more excited about than anything else, and they'll say "The upcoming Nicolas Cage movie from the writers and directors of Crank: High Voltage, the finest achievement in American film since Point Break."
If only they were still making Johnny Utah costumes, everybody'd be happy.
"Hey everybody, welcome to the Pickup Artist, I'm Mystery. Today we're going to be talking about maximizing your candy flow. Step One: Get Timmy's mom to bounce to the richer neighborhoods. Once you're there, if anyone's got decorations up, don't give them interest indicators. Throw some negs at their Jack-O'-Lantern, create that need to impress, and you'll be getting that Butterfinger close. So money."
Young Justice's Kid Flash, Robin and Superboy
These costumes actually aren't bad -- well, Kid Flash and Robin look pretty cool, but it ain't the costume company's fault that Superboy's costume consists of jeans. It's the masks that are weird. Kid Flash in particular looks like it might just be a slightly repainted Max Headroom from '86. In fact, I'm not really sure why they bothered with the big full-face masks anyway. I mean, these are costumes for kids to dress up as the kids from Young Justice, right? Although I guess Superboy could pull double duty as The Rock at Comic Con.
Monster High's Cleo De Nile, Lagoona Blue, Frankie Stein and Draculaura:
As a guy who works from home and reads comic books for a living, I end up watching a lot of Cartoon Network, so I've seen plenty of commercials for Monster High over the years. The thing is, I still have no idea what the hell it actually is. I mean, I get the premise, that it's about the teenage daughters of the classic Universal Monsters going to high school, but as far as I understand it, they solely exist in the form of Halloween costumes that appear designed to hook girls into dressing up as "Sassy Mummy" or "Sassy Stitched-Together-Corpse-Created-In-Defiance-Of-The-Laws-Of-God-And-Man" from a young age.
Also, I have to say that naming the daughter of the Gill Man in a media franchise for kids after a movie about sexual awakenings and human sacrifice was a, uh, pretty bold choice. To its credit, though, Monster High did give us the name "Draculaura," which is what I insist on calling ComicsAlliance Editor-In-Chief Laura Hudson for the duration of October.
Deluxe Austin Powers:
Hey, did you know it's 2011? Oh, you didn't? You thought it was 1998? Awesome, I have the perfect costume for you.
Deluxe Teen Indiana Jones:
Speaking of problems of the modern costume industry, this is an Indiana Jones costume that does not include the gun, holster, belt, machete, bag, or whip. One more time for those of you in the back: An Indiana Jones costume that does not include the whip. That's like buying a sandwich that makes you bring your own bread.
Anyway, the other thing to note here is that the official description of this costume invites children to "become the famous archaeology professor." This is technically accurate -- and I'll admit that there was a definite part of my childhood fantasies of being Indiana Jones that involved coeds writing love notes on their eyelids -- but is that really going to be your go-to description of Indiana Jones? "Famous Archaeology Professor?" That's what you're going with? Not "fight the Nazis" or -- and I'm just throwing this one word out there -- "adventurer?" No? You think that someone explaining this costume to a person unfamiliar with it should say "I am a famous archaeology professor?"
Get your sh** together, costume industry. Seriously.
I don't mind telling you that this thing was an emotional rollercoaster for me. At first, I was crazy excited about a "Future Golfer" costume, because I assumed it would be like a dystopian future version of Rodney Dangerfield's character from Caddyshack. You know, a cyborg with laser clubs. Then I realized that they meant "a kid who, at some point in the future, will be a golfer," and not "a golfer from the future." Major disappointment.
But then I realized that they had accidentally made an absolutely perfect costume for little kids who wanted to dress up as Andre 3000 from Outkast...
...and that's cooler than being cool. It's ice cold.
ComicsAlliance is where comic books and pop culture collide, superheroes battle through movies and video games, and graphic novels steal the headlines.
For the latest news on Marvel Comics, DC Comics, comic downloads, comic book movies, digital comics, free comics, and comic book movies, check out Comicsalliance.com.