For the past 70 years, comic books have been largely sequential in nature, with each story flowing into the next to create a larger narrative. There's not a thing wrong with that -- in fact, the whole aspect of a continuing, interconnected universe is something that makes super-hero comics unique among every other form of entertainment -- but it has
given a lot of readers a somewhat dubious take on finality. Namely that they don't have one.
It's an aspect of comics that have given rise to a universally accepted truth that it something's good once, it'll be great twice. Now, with rumors swirling
(read: being made up) about a possible sequel to "Watchmen," a book that's about as self-contained and final as it gets, it's left us questioning which possible comic book sequels would be the worst imaginable. And we've got the answers, from ComicsAlliance
staffers Chris Sims
, Chris Murphy
and Alice Parker
! WATCHMEN 2: WATCH HARDER:
Twenty years after the events of the original "Watchmen," the "New Frontiersman" has moved its offices to Mexico, where Juan Kovacs, a young, up-and-coming lucha libre
superstar discovers Rorschach's journal and learns the terrifying truth behind the end of the Cold War!
Taking the fallen vigilante's mask as his own and rechristening himself as El Hijo de Rorschach
, Juan travels to New York, where he teams up with Night Spectre
(the perky teenage daughter of Laure Juspeczyk and Dan Drieberg) and The Comedienne
(Edward Blake's sexy, half-Vietnamese daughter who battles crime in modified leather bondage gear) to confront Ozymandias, who has transferred his brain to the body of a giant robot pharaoh! But what happens when Ozymandias's instruments reveal that the giant space squids are not only real... they're coming to take over Earth!
Their only hope lies in reconfiguring Veidt's robot body into the most powerful weapon ever designed: The Dr. Manhattron
! WRATH OF BAGHDAD:
Brian K. Vaughan's and Niko Henrichon's graphic novel "Pride of Bagdhad," inspired by the true story of lions from a Baghdad zoo killed by U.S. troops in the 2003 invasion of Iraq, ends when (SPOILER ALERT)
the talking lion protagonists are all killed by U.S. troops during the 2003 invasion of Iraq. But writers have always been willing to undo inconvenient story-ending deaths in order to justify a sequel. And with Vaughan preoccupied with projects in Hollywood, someone gets the bright idea to slip in a follow-up work while he's not paying attention. "Wrath of Baghdad"
opens with the youngest lion, Ali, awakening in a ditch next to the bodies of the other lions after being left for dead. He slowly recovers from his wounds, bitter and angry, and swears vengeance against the soldiers who killed the rest of his pride. He soon enlists the aid of a plucky comic-relief talking monkey, escaped from the same zoo, who helps him to discover the identities and whereabouts of the individual soldiers that he blames. Then, in a tale that spans several years, he stalks and kills them one by one.
When the book is first announced, there's hope among fans that it will be a stirring examination of the cycle of hatred and violence in war that results from unintended civilian casualties. But by the time readers reach the point where Ali learns how to fire an assault rifle he takes off the body of a victim, it becomes evident that the story is just a "Punisher" script that Marvel passed on, which then had some of the character and place names swapped out. FROM HELL 2: JACK'S BACK:
Ten years after the original "unsolved" Whitechapel murders, a terrifying new crime wave strikes the streets of London, giving all appearances that Jack the Ripper has returned. But as the highest reaches of Scotland Yard know, it's a copycat murderer: The real Jack, Sir William Gull, has been rotting for the last decade in the secret royal prison underneath Westminster Abbey.
Now, in a blatant ripoff of "Silence of the Lambs," a young Scotland Yard inspector must use Gull's knowledge to catch his young admirer before he kills again. The twist? The inspector is Roberta Lees, the first female officer in London, who is herself a streetwalker by night. "From Hell 2": This time... it's personal
. X - THE LAST WOMAN
: In the distant future of the world of "Y - The Last Man," the global population has re-balanced among men and women... until the same plague that killed off all the men reasserts itself, this time modified to rid the world of all women!
The only exception is a lone female who, like her original counterpart, is named after a famous fictional character from the past: Xena, the Warrior Princess. Together with Interrobang, her wisecracking robot monkey, X must navigate the testosterone-fueled world of the all-dude future, trying desperately to keep it from becoming a John Norman novel. V2: VIVA VENDETTA:
After the original V sacrifices himself in an act of terrorism at the climax of "V For Vendtta," his protegé Evey takes over. Now known only as "Vendetta
," she sets out to undermine the remnants of Fascist Britain's government using V's last invention: a techno-organic bodysuit known as F.A.W.K.E.S.
, (Fully Automated Weaponized Kill Engine Suit).
Operating out of her strip club, "Va-Va-Voom," Vendetta uses her own sexuality as the dystopian future's most lethal weapon, luring government officials into the Champagne room and literally lapdancing them to death!
The only problem will be readers who keep wanting to know when the next issue of "Seven" comes out. The Dark Knight Strikes Again:
A completely unnecessary sequel to the groundbreaking "Dark Knight Returns," this one would see a slim, trim Batman (complete with Carrie Kelly
upgraded to a sexy, rollerblading Catgirl) reuniting the Justice League, each of whom suffered sub-"Tales From the Crypt" fates that were drenched in forced irony so that they could fight a Superman who was roughly as dumb as a bag of hammers.
Even better, this series would finally answer the question fans have been asking for years: What if the Joker... was actually Robin?!
Then, in what is undeniably ins--what? That happened?
Huh. I guess maybe our "Watchmen 2" script has some legs to it after all.