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Ask Chris #49: D&D With Super-Heroes (ComicsAlliance)

Mar 11th 12:40 PM: Most chaotic comic book D&D party to have to GM:

Hellboy- Cleric. Tee hee.
Scrooge McDuck- Does ANYTHING for gold, even imaginary gold.
Edward Nigma- That one guy who would rather spend all night with a door puzzle or "one of us always lies" puzzle instead of getting to monsters.
Yotsuba- Okay that would just be adorable and I just want to see it.
Groo- Most barbarian PCs play like Groo anyway, only here there'd be the added hazard of possibly getting slain by Groo, whose grasp of dice mechanics is tenuous at best.

Ask Chris #27: Why I Love Spider-Man (ComicsAlliance)

Oct 1st 6:24 PM: This is one of the many valid reasons to dislike Chapter One. Byrne decided he needed to explain away the twist so the killer goes to Uncle Ben's house and kills him because A) he saw him buy a computer for Peter so thinks he's loaded and B) he sees Spidey sneaking out of the house, and thinks he's a fellow thief who robs the place all the time, and....profit?

This makes it so that instead of Peter's DECISION being the root of his origin, it's the fact that his uncle was proud of him and/or that he ever put on a costume at all. It's not what he did, it's who he is that means he has to suffer. That's not a reason for Peter to fight crime, that's a reason to check into a padded room so you don't chase a bottle of pills with a quart of Thunderbird.

BUT he showed Peter in the suit in issue #1 so Chapter One was a success, and Ultimate Spider-Man wasn't. Or something. I'm told.

Banned Book Week: The 7 Most Ridiculous Reasons For Banning Books, 2009-2010 (ComicsAlliance)

Sep 30th 9:56 PM: You liberal hippo-commies don't care about kids at all, don't you understand that the word "dictionary" ALMOST has the word "dick" in it? WAKE UP SHEEP! BAA BAA!

Ask Chris #19: Manga Recommendations and What Makes a Batman? (ComicsAlliance)

Jul 30th 1:32 PM: I think Joe Chill has to have a name, if only so Batman can say "I found Joe Chill, mother and father you are avenged." That sounds contrary to the I AM Vengeance Batman but Batman's not a rage machine, out to destroy the criminal element because they hurt his feelings. That's the stripped down derivative of Batman's origin they gave Frank Castle. People have had some fun fighting against this perception, like in Virtue and Vice, or Mark Waid underlining it for the people in the back in his JLA and his and Ross' Kingdom Come.

Batman will keep doing what he does because it's the right thing to do, because he doesn't want anybody else to suffer, because no one should die so senselessly and needlessly.

But if it's like it was Between The Crises...so for about 20 years there?...where the killer never had a name and Batman never found him, he could still be out there, killing others, that's kind of an argument for Batman being extremely terrible at his job. Because if I had trained my mind and body for decades for this never-ending battle, if I saw that killer's face every night in my dreams, if I called myself the world's greatest detective...I mean honestly, how can you be the world's greatest detective and not be able to catch a murderer from a murder you witnessed?

We were fine swallowing that Batman is always prepared for every eventuality just in case, that he has contingency plans for everything, that he has every angle covered, but he can't get closure on the entire reason he started this charade because THAT would be more realistic?

The Christmas Letter of Dr. Doom (ComicsAlliance)

Dec 10th 10:29 PM: In your country, you have eight nights of Hannukah. In scenic Latveria, we have eight Dreadknights of Hannukah.

In your country, Salvation Army rings bells. In historic Latveria, the Robotic Tithe Collectors wring necks.

In your country, you kiss loved ones under the mistletoe. In beloved Latveria, we kiss under a missile. And under orders. And under a pervasive state-approved melancholy. And a crippling scurvy epidemic. And the threat of just getting hit with a laser from somewhere, at any time.

True Stories of the 'Core Marvel Universe' (ComicsAlliance)

Nov 24th 5:08 PM: In the Core Marvel Universe, planets grow goatees.

In the Core Marvel Universe, a virgin Mary analog uses her kung fu to fight alongside circus freaks and socialites and gets married to a sentient space plant in the body of a dead villain in a ceremony officiated by the lord of all time, in a double ceremony where a robot married a witch.

In the Core Marvel Universe there's this giant dog with a tuning fork in its head who can teleport, only he's really a dude who looks like a dog, only that was a trick, only no it wasn't.

In the Core Marvel Universe, Blackbeard the pirate was a spacefaring time traveling rock monster Jew from the Lower East Side.

....does anybody else feel like Yakov Smirnoff doing this?

"In your country, cabinet members are vetted by political advisers and the media. In the Core Marvel Universe, a Nazi with no face was able to become Secretary of Defense and create a secret black-people-destroying-disease research facility on the top of Mount Rushmore because nobody knows what an anagram is."

The Most Bizarre Superpowers In Comics (ComicsAlliance)

Nov 24th 12:23 AM: The infamous Obnoxio the Clown meets the X-Men story featured a dude with a power weirder than any X-Statix member (although I do not fault your choices at all): Eye Scream. An industrial spy-type mutant whose power was to turn into any flavor of ice cream and slide under the door.

Sure he was a gag but so was Dogwelder, y'know?

Sidebar: I saw this Obnoxio/X-Men story in a quarter bin somewhere and snatched it up immediately thinking it was that rare comic where they went to the fair (I had gotten them mixed up) and was sooo disappointed at the time that I couldn't flip it on eBay for cash. Now, though, having read that state fair comic, I feel I made the right purchase.

Red Scare: Our Favorite Comic Book Communists (ComicsAlliance)

Nov 9th 11:33 PM: I'm tempted to offer honorable mention to the Red Scare from the Tick. He may not have really been a Soviet super soldier but he was cooler alone than the whole Winter Guard.

Also, hell with the Red Guardian, it's all about ULTIMATE Red Guardian, who had a Captain America shield made out of other Russian test subject dudes. METAL.

Contest: Win an exclusive City of Heroes in-game item from Comic-Con (Massively)

Jul 29th 7:34 PM: Yo!