As it turns out, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
are components of an evangelistic gospel of "outright Hinduism, occultism and humanism" that teaches children "ideals that are contrary to Christian beliefs" with subversive merchandise like "pepperoni sticks." At least, that's according to a group of curiously coiffed Canadian men in an early 1990s propaganda film decrying the original TMNT animated series, Vanilla Ice
, Bart Simpson
and other alleged evils of the ancient world.
"It's witchcraft, pure and simple," says one man in the film, which also objects to children's candy in the shape of instruments used to create "rock music." The clip was compiled by Four Four
from an unearthed "VHS tape" of a propaganda film called Not Just Fun And Games
which warned primitive man of the infernal dangers of children's cartoons and assorted merchandise. It is a fascinating glimpse into an unremembered time in our distant past when humanity was first confronted with new and seemingly terrifying concepts like martial arts, anthropomorphized reptiles, and rap music.
They seem like cavemen to us but understand that these were good Canadian people, just frightened and unlearned, and they reacted without the benefit of the educational instruments we take for granted -- things like YouTube, Wikipedia, and televisions with channels beyond the number 8.
When the dead man wearing a mullet and moustache said, "You heard it here first, folks, a Rat named Splinter is the hero of this cartoon," he very likely believed that he was literally the first person to transmit that information to anyone in the world.
It is a wonder to sit here in the year 2012 secure in the basic knowledge of so many things that our ancestors contemplated with such desperation in the 1990s. The following are just some of the facts that we know now to be unassailably true, information these poor fellows would never know.
"Their hero or their guru is a rat named Splinter. You heard it here first, folks, a Rat named Splinter is the hero of this cartoon."
Splinter is not the turtles' guru. He is their sensei.
[Holding a Bepop toy] "This is one of the villains of the [Teenage] Mutant Ninja Turtles. When we say 'villains'... the hero is using white magic or eastern mystic or 'good powers,' such as 'Star Wars' taught us -- the good side of the Force, and the bad guys are using the bad powers, the black side of the Force. But it's the same powers, exactly, when you look at it from a biblical viewpoint."
The turtles do not employ magic of any kind -- only the art of Ninjutsu.
A copious search of over 100 versions of The Bible at BibleGateway.com yields not a single reference to "white magic" nor "the Black Side of the Force."
"Ninjas were assassins. They were not good people. They were not heroes."
Just some of the heroic ninja throughout history, as researched and categorized by Wikipedia: Batgirl Cassandra Cain, Conan the Barbarian, Hawkeye, the Transformer Hot Shot, G.I. Joe's Snake Eyes and the entire Ninja Force, the Ninja Storm Power Rangers, Ninjak, Nth Man the Ultimate Ninja, Psylocke, Raiden from Metal Gear, the entire Science Ninja Team Gatchaman, Princess Zelda and Zen the Intergalactic Ninja.
"Here we have Vanilla Ice, one of the most... at least one of the wealthiest. I was going to say one of the most talented... talented at making money anyway. What's the problem with this guy?"