A lot of people have Halloween traditions. Some carve pumpkins, some dress up, but me? I watch syndicated action shows from the '90s. Usually, I go with the spooky episode of Xena: Warrior Princess
that features vampires, a severed head and a level of lesbian subtext that's pretty high even for that show, but this year I added something new to the tradition: The episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys where Hercules fights Dracula
Seriously: Hercules is called to the kingdom of his old friend Vlad the Impaler, only to discover that it's a trap set because Vlad wants to drink his blood. Needless to say, it is a monumentally, hilariously dumb
44 minutes of television, but to give you an idea of just how
dumb, I've pulled out the ten most truly ridiculous pieces of dialogue!
When Hercules, the Son of Zeus, is Informed That His Old Army Buddy Vlad Is Being Vexed by Vampires:
HERCULES: I thought they were a myth.
After Seeing a Massive Field of Dead Bodies On Spikes:
DARIUS: So that's where he got the name... Vlad the Impaler!
Just After Hercules Says He Wants To Camp In The Middle of the Field of Impaled Bodies and Just Before Darius is Killed By Vampires:
DARIUS: No one in their right mind would spend the night here!
HERCULES: That's why we'll be safe.
After Coming To Life To Eat Darius:
VAMPIRE: There's always one who can't resist the glitter!
When Slaying the Recently Turned Darius:
HERCULES: Hungry? Try the STAKE!
Explaining Why He Doesn't Join His Friends For a Meal:
VLAD: I... had a friend over for dinner before you arrived.
Upon Discovering Iolaus Being Bitten by a Vampire (And Because There Hasn't Been Any Subtext For a Few Minutes):
HERCULES: Hey! That's my friend you're suckin' on!
When Iolaus Is Turning Into a Vampire:
IOLAUS: Look on the bright side: Now I've got Armor Piercing Teeth!
When Explaining How He Has Poisoned His Own Blood So That When Dracula Drinks His Blood Dracula Will Be Poisoned and He Won't Be Poisoned Anymore I Guess?
HERCULES: Let's just say I... stopped for a drink on the way here.
And finally, my absolute favorite moment of the show, and maybe the entire series:
While Teaching Underprivileged Children To Play Basketball, Which He Has Just Invented:
HERCULES: It's just a little something I picked up while... trotting the globe.
If you'd like to add Hercules, the hero of Ancient Greece and his battle against Vlad the Impaler (1431–1476) to your
Spooktoberfest Scareabrations, it's streaming on Netflix. Happy Halloween, everyone!