Feb 25th 2011 By: Andy Khouri
Just a week ago Charlie Sheen
was but a beloved imp whose amusingly anarchic adventures were documented only in the pages and websites of the most culturally inconsequential tabloid news sources. But within the last 24 hours, the Two and a Half Men
star has before our very eyes transcended the confines of his terrestrial form and attained not just a heretofore undiscovered form of enlightenment, but perhaps even evolved into the fabled homo-superior
Now the zenith of humanity, Sheen drunkenly molests the boundaries between dimensions, making them weak and permeable so that he may pass through one reality to another without even a care, like so much urine seeping through a pile of toilet paper on the floor of a Portland karaoke bar. It is by way of this cosmic phenomenon that Charlie Sheen has traveled into the two-dimensional realm of comics and imprinted his great and terrible visage upon one of our most sacred idols, Peanuts' Charlie Brown
, in his very first appearance, igniting a cascading erasure that will wipe out the legendary Charles M. Schultz character from all printed history.
In a radio interview
given this week to syndicated American conspiracy imbecile Alex Jones
, Charlie Sheen planted a victory flag into the anus of the universe, saying, "I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't perfect and bitchin' and just winning every second" and "I'm sorry man I got magic and I got poetry at my fingertips most of the time and this includes naps."
Guys, it's right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they're not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom.
Recognizing that resistance is futile and that to exist as what Sheen calls a "gnarly gnarlington" is the highest achievement to which a man can aspire, Tales Designed to Thrizzle
cartoonist Michael Kupperman
submitted to the incorporeal, Kirby-crackling spirit of Charlie Sheen, who used the possessed artist's pen to insert himself into the very first Peanuts
strip drawn by Charles M. Schultz.
Where there was once Brown, now there is only Sheen, and it is but one of the astonishing ways the Hot Shots! Part Deux
star has reconfigured the planet in recent days.
"I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself. It's the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math. Another one of their mottoes is 'Don't be special, be one of us.' Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullsh*t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done. You don't look like you're having a lot of fun. I'm gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view."
We will bring you more on the new world order as it unfolds.